Truth: I wanted to be ANOREXIC

http://www.mamalaughlin.com/2013/03/i-wanted-to-be-anorexic.html

I was surfing around Facebook this morning when I stumbled upon this little jewel. I am an avid reader of the mamalaughlin blog, so when I saw this post it definitely caught my eye. What I couldn’t believe —- she was telling MY story (well, basically!) Mama has a true way of being open and honest— and its time that I tell you my side of her story:

I, too, wanted to be anorexic.

I’ve told you before how I wasnt taught to eat right growing up. I wasn’t taught to exercise or to be active on a regular basis (at least not more than the occasional “hey… quit that… if you’re gonna wrestle with your brother take it outside!”) I ate what I wanted, and did what I wanted– and both could be healthy and unhealthy. When I was able to drive/get out on my own (specifically in/after college) I found my true food love – taco bueno. I always got one of two things:

1) Sour Cream Chicken Chilada Platter with dr. pepper

b1

2) #5 – Beef muchaco, bean burrito, crispy taco, and dr.pepper

d433

Notice the “medium” (HA!!) drink.

…not to mention the one, or sometimes two, cheesecake chimichangas to finish off these meals — HELLO 2,000 calories in ONE SITTING!?

Wow. I ate like this a few times each week, alongside other bad meal choices. I mean, it was just me – single (ish…not married), no kids, and it was cheap, “delicious,” (for a few minutes)  and definitely “easier” than cooking an entire healthy meal just for myself (wasn’t it…? …right?)

I loved every single bite of these meals–  delicious cheesy, meaty, carb-filled bite. Well, I loved every bite until those bites were over. I felt awesome eating the meals, but the second that the meals were finished, I felt like CRAP. like POOP. so GROSS. so DISGUSTING. so FAT. The meals themselves were satisfying (or rather the taste of the meals), but afterwords was the worst feeling ever – IMMEDIATE REGRET. My stomach felt sick and bloated, I felt guilty, and immediately tired.

After eating meals like this, I immediately wanted to get rid of the evidence. I didn’t want wrappers left in my car letting everyone know what a fatty I was…(Ha, like they couldn’t tell I loved taco bueno by just looking at me!) I frequently ran home and threw my wrapper away in the dumpster or in the nearest trash can. Many times, in the last year or so, I dropped the wrappers off at a dumpster of a local apartment complex. Low, right? Why did I have to “hide the evidence” and why couldn’t I just deal with it or start making better choices? ….I don’t have the answer to that. I was ashamed. I wanted the food. I wanted the taste. I didn’t care, but I didn’t like feeling disgusting, embarrassed, and ashamed– so I tried to hide it.

More times than not, after consuming a fast food MEGA MEAL, I would immediately head for the nearest bathroom – let it be the QT, the actual restaurant, home, etc. and try to RID myself (or try!) of the meal that I had just eaten. I was so mad at myself. Not only did I waste $7-8-9-10$ on a meal that made me feel like CRAP, I tried to throw all the food up so I would stop feeling guilty, stop feeling like crap, and feel “normal.” I knew this wasnt good for my body. I didn’t enjoy it, I didn’t like what it did to my stomach/throat, and I didn’t like the fact that this is what I had to do to stop feeling gross. I too, would promise myself not to eat anything for the rest of the day — sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn’t.

I wanted to be anorexic. I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to eat what I wanted, I didn’t want to work out, and I wanted to just be able to lose weight by throwing up what food I did eat that wasn’t good for me. I looked at cheerleaders and models my whole life and thought “why do they get to look like THAT, and I get to look like THIS?” I didn’t understand it – I did know one thing though, that I didn’t want to work at looking good. I didn’t want to try to eat healthy. I wanted to enjoy my 2,000 calorie meals and not feel guilty after, even if that meant hiding the evidence, damaging my body, and throwing when I felt too full or gross from another fast-food 2,000+  calorie MEGA MEAL.

I did this for years – until January of 2013 – when I decided that it wasnt worth it anymore. I was/am sick and tired of feeling gross and tired and unhappy with my body. I know that wasting money was just that, and I barely had enough to pay bills, let alone waste it on food that would make me feel so gross that I felt I needed to throw it up. I was/am sick of feeling ashamed to hide my MEGA MEAL wrappers. I was/am sick and tired of, well, being sick and tired from being overweight, unhealthy, and my continued excuses to stay that way.

I know that weight loss, getting fit, toning, and making a lifestyle change (eating healthy and adding exercise) are a gradual and slow process. I’ve got to kick old habits (like binge eating, throwing up, MEGA MEALS, comparing myself to those anorexic models, etc.) and start new ones (eating healthy, adding cardio and lots of exercise, and a positive attitude about my gains/losses and my future goals and outcomes, etc!)

I know that this is going to take time — but I am dedicated. I don’t want to be the person I have been. I don’t want to be just the “girl with a brain” or the “sweet, friendly girl” anymore.. I want to be “the smart, funny, sweet girl with awesome arms/legs/stomach/kickin body!” =)

It will take some time.

It will take some adjustments.

It will take serious changes.

It won’t be easy.

But,

It will happen.

I will make it happen.

I AM MAKING IT HAPPEN!

cheers

CHEERS to my (…soon to be…) HAPPY & HEALTHY ending!

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3 thoughts on “Truth: I wanted to be ANOREXIC

  1. You are AWESOME Ms Paula!!! You are my inspiritation! Since I have been in recovery I have gained weight and it is time to get rid of it! Love ya!!!

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