Truth: I wanted to be ANOREXIC


I was surfing around Facebook this morning when I stumbled upon this little jewel. I am an avid reader of the mamalaughlin¬†blog, so when I saw this post it definitely caught my eye. What I couldn’t believe —- she was telling MY story (well, basically!) Mama has a true way of being open and honest— and its time that I tell you my side of her story:

I, too, wanted to be anorexic.

I’ve told you before how I wasnt taught to eat right growing up. I wasn’t taught to exercise or to be active on a regular basis (at least not more than the occasional “hey… quit that… if you’re gonna wrestle with your brother take it outside!”) I ate what I wanted, and did what I wanted– and both¬†could be healthy and unhealthy. When I was able to drive/get out on my own (specifically in/after college) I found my true food love – taco bueno. I always got one of two things:

1) Sour Cream Chicken Chilada Platter with dr. pepper


2) #5 – Beef muchaco, bean burrito, crispy taco, and dr.pepper


Notice the “medium”¬†(HA!!) drink.

…not to mention the one, or sometimes two, cheesecake chimichangas to finish off these meals — HELLO 2,000 calories in ONE SITTING!?

Wow. I ate like this¬†a few¬†times each week,¬†alongside other bad meal choices. I mean, it was just me – single (ish…not married), no kids, and it was cheap, “delicious,” (for a¬†few minutes)¬† and definitely “easier” than cooking an entire healthy meal just for myself (wasn’t it…? …right?)

I loved every single bite of these mealsР delicious cheesy, meaty, carb-filled bite. Well, I loved every bite until those bites were over. I felt awesome eating the meals, but the second that the meals were finished, I felt like CRAP. like POOP. so GROSS. so DISGUSTING. so FAT. The meals themselves were satisfying (or rather the taste of the meals), but afterwords was the worst feeling ever РIMMEDIATE REGRET. My stomach felt sick and bloated, I felt guilty, and immediately tired.

After eating meals like this, I immediately wanted to get rid of the evidence. I didn’t¬†want wrappers left in my car letting everyone know what a fatty I was…(Ha, like they couldn’t tell I loved taco bueno by just looking at me!)¬†I frequently ran home and threw¬†my wrapper away in the dumpster or in the nearest trash can. Many times, in the last year or so, I dropped the wrappers off at a dumpster of a local apartment complex. Low, right? Why did I have to “hide the evidence” and why couldn’t¬†I just deal with it or start making better choices? ….I don’t¬†have the answer to that. I was ashamed. I wanted the food. I wanted the taste. I didn’t¬†care, but I didn’t¬†like feeling disgusting, embarrassed, and ashamed– so I tried to hide it.

More times than not, after consuming a fast food MEGA MEAL, I would immediately head for the nearest bathroom – let it be the QT, the actual restaurant, home, etc. and try to RID myself (or try!)¬†of the meal that I had just eaten. I was so mad at myself. Not only did I waste $7-8-9-10$ on a meal that made me feel like CRAP, I tried to throw all the food up so I would stop feeling guilty, stop feeling like crap, and feel “normal.” I knew this wasnt good for my body. I didn’t¬†enjoy it, I didn’t¬†like what it did to my stomach/throat, and I didn’t¬†like the fact that this is what I had to do to stop feeling gross. I too, would promise myself not to eat anything for the rest of the day — sometimes that worked, sometimes¬†it didn’t.

I wanted to be anorexic. I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to eat what I wanted, I didn’t want to work out, and I wanted to just be able to lose weight by throwing up what food I did eat that wasn’t good for me. I looked at cheerleaders and models my whole life and thought “why do they get to look like THAT, and¬†I get to look like THIS?” I didn’t¬†understand it – I did know one thing though, that I didn’t¬†want to work at looking good. I didn’t¬†want to try to eat healthy. I wanted to enjoy my 2,000 calorie meals and not feel guilty after, even if that meant hiding the evidence, damaging my body, and throwing when I felt too full or gross from another fast-food 2,000+ ¬†calorie MEGA MEAL.

I did this for years Рuntil January of 2013 Рwhen I decided that it wasnt worth it anymore. I was/am sick and tired of feeling gross and tired and unhappy with my body. I know that wasting money was just that, and I barely had enough to pay bills, let alone waste it on food that would make me feel so gross that I felt I needed to throw it up. I was/am sick of feeling ashamed to hide my MEGA MEAL wrappers. I was/am sick and tired of, well, being sick and tired from being overweight, unhealthy, and my continued excuses to stay that way.

I know that weight loss, getting fit, toning, and making a lifestyle change (eating healthy and adding exercise) are a gradual and slow process. I’ve got to kick old habits (like binge eating, throwing up, MEGA MEALS, comparing myself to those anorexic models, etc.) and start new ones (eating healthy, adding cardio and lots of exercise, and a positive attitude about¬†my gains/losses and my future goals and outcomes, etc!)

I know that this is going to take time — but I am dedicated. I don’t want to be the person I have been. I don’t want to be just¬†the “girl with a brain” or the “sweet, friendly girl” anymore.. I want to be “the smart, funny, sweet girl with awesome arms/legs/stomach/kickin¬†body!” =)

It will take some time.

It will take some adjustments.

It will take serious changes.

It won’t be easy.


It will happen.

I will make it happen.



CHEERS to my (…soon to be…) HAPPY & HEALTHY ending!

Counting those inches…


So I haven’t lost much weight in the last week–only .5 pounds! But hey, that’s a loss, right!? Booyah!

I just realized I havent taken my measurements since I started an it might be time to update. Not really sure where to measure, so this is just for me to know where to measure again on different parts of my body! ūüôā Judge me not!

My updated measurements—
Waist: 30″
Belly Button: 36″
Hips: 39″
Right arm: 12″
Right thigh upper: 21″
Right thigh middle: 18.5″

Weight: 149
Body fat: ?
BMI: ?

Looks like I’ve lost about 2″ across my tummy (that’s size 12+ to a size 8/10!!), 2″ in my arm, about 2.5″ in my arms, and about 4″ in my hips! ….Not bad, if I do say so myself.

Here is my photo from today, and a photo comparing day #1 and day #61 (today)!
20130311-193148.jpg20130311-193224.jpgWhen I get my refill for PHEN at the end of this month (22nd) I’ll get a measurement update, as well as get a re-calculated body fat and BMI! Suuuper excited for that! I just knoooooow I should have dropped a few numbers!! ūüôā



HOLY CRAPAMOLIE!!! I am soooo thirsty. Not only do I need to stay hydrated for weight loss, I’ve GOT to get this “cotton mouth” under control — a definitely unplesant side effect of taking phen!

Tomorrow, I think I will start the GALLON challenge.
One gallon of water each day!

20130306-004828.jpg….now I’m going to look like those hardcore guys at the gym that carry around their gallon water jugs… just grreeeeat! ūüėõ

I definitely need this though! Time to flush out the fat, especially now that I’m eating right and working out! Might as well tackle my fat from all angles and do everything I can to enhance other things im already doing!!!!

I can do this! I mean, after all, I am reaaaaaaally thirsty!

…..wish me luck!? (I might need it!)

29 Inches!!!!


So… today I want to stand in front of the mirror.

I want to be VAINNN!!!!!

I want to stare at myself and soak in what I’ve accomplished so far– I want to bend and twist and pose and let myself feel awesome about what I’ve done and what I have left to do!

Yesterday I bought a pair of size 29″ jeans at Vanity — that’s about a size 8!! Yes, they’re snug in the thighs and of course I could trim another couple inches or so off of my tummy so they would fit perfectly—but today I DON’T CARE. I feel good about myself, about my weight loss, and about how ROCKIN’ I feel and look in these jeans!!

I bought a pair of 29s from The Gap last week and a pair of size 10 slacks. The jeans fit well but are a tiny bit too tight in my butt and tummy, and when I sit down *insert ughh shuttering noise now* well, let’s just say I shouldn’t sit down in them or wear them too much in public yet. They were $74 and will be GREAT MOTIVATION to fit into perfectly — hopefully be the end for this month!! ūüôā
The slacks were too big so I took them in yesterday and traded in for a size 8. Somewhat snug in my rear—but they stretch! Hopefully I won’t need the stretch factor to make them fit beautifully in the next few weeks!!! Come onnnnnnn motivation!

Of course, I am still on my journey and have more weight to lose—but this was SUUUUCH an incredible feeling!! I couldn’t help but want to post about it!! ahhhhh! For everyone who says that a women’s size is just a number and doesn’t matter—probably never fit into a size 18 in high school and then fit into a size 8 just a few years later!!!

Both vanity and gap jeans “fit” now — my legs and butt look awesome in them (in my opinion…) I definitely still have some work to do — but both will TOTALLY be worth the wait and the work when I can fit in them and look perfect and incredible in them!! IM SO EXCITED!! ūüôā

So… for now, I’ll go for size 8 “too tight” jeans — I think I look great, I feel great, and (ultimately) isn’t that what really matters!? ūüôā

Oh… here’s a peek at my new 29″ jeans from Vanity:20130306-004131.jpg

Just LOOK at that tummy–and those jeans: totally buttoned!

My awesome boyfriend!

I think it is so incredible when you have support for anything that you do, specifically when you are on a weight loss journey and can monitor other peoples success/failures/stories from their blogs. I wanted to blog about my weight loss journey, my inspiration, and the people that personally support me, my goals, and my dreams.

Don’t freak out now, this is not a senseless post about¬†mi amor and “our happy perfect incredible life” together.

I mean, it is some of that…. but thats not all that it’s about.¬†

I do have an actual reason for creating this post!

Soooo… read on!


I wanted to start out with my awesome boyfriend, Hunter. We’ve been together over 2 years now. He’s an¬†incredible guy (motivated, insane smart, funny, tall, hard-working, geeky/nerdy,¬†handsome…well, you get the picture, enough mushy gushy!) and I¬†am incredibly happy/lucky to have him as my partner!

Hunter has seen me at one of the fattest points in my life (194! BOOM!) If you’re wondering….no, he didn’t take it upon himself to say anything to me about being¬†fat. Ever.¬†I am on this journey because I needed and wanted to be, and I needed his honesty and support. He is not the reason that I am on this journey, but yes, it does feel good to see his reaction the changes I am making…hello motivation! I’m down to 149/150lbs…and yes. I promise…. as far as I can tell/guess, he definitely notices!

Hunter doesnt do much for me for “noticing” and for “support” in the general sense that¬†many people appreciate¬†(i.e. lots of compliments, fake enthusiasm, noticing every pound/detail, giving me accomplishment gifts,¬†etc.) Hunter motivates me by, after I say “I feel skinny today” he says “you aaare skinny!,” by staring at disbelief when I make him watch me try on my SIZE 29″ jeans (he couldnt really tell since all my clothes are still¬†my “fat clothes” and this was his first real EYE OPENER to my body’s changes), by being there for me when I freak out because I have nothing to wear, by¬†saying “stop self-deprocating”¬†when I¬†feel “gross” and have a mini-breakdown (haha!), or when I¬†feel like i’m actually making progrss and saying that I can’t wait to be SKINNY and SEXY — and he¬†comes back with¬†“Heck yea, you will be — look how much progrss you’ve already made!” I appreciate his support. Its honest and real. He supports me by making me support myself, without all of the blah-de-blah that everyone else does/says (i.e. “ohhh myyyy look how greeeeat you looook” and “wow,¬†watch it, dont wanna get toooo skinny..”¬†I like his type of support.

The other night,¬†Hunter and I¬†went to an event together. It was my work’s annual findraiser, the GALA. The GALA is a huge “adult prom” where hundreds of¬†people from many different companies and organizations from the community pay to attend, drink, bid on silent-auction items, eat a delicious meal, and bid on incredible live auction items. It is quite an experience! Don’t we look FABULOUS!?


When Hunter and I arrived, we got a drink (His choice: margarita/My choice: cranberry malibu) and headed to take a look at the hundreds of silent auction items. I bid on a few cheaper items like a¬†haircut package and a few smaller amount gift cards, and stumbled upon a personal training package –¬† a complete evaluation and three private 1-on-one training sessions in private suites with a certified personal trainer here in the city. Only one bid had been made, for $10, so I only¬†bid $25 —–¬†hoping everyone in the room would notice me signing it and skip bidding on it¬†(maybe they would know how bad I wanted/needed it)¬†Ha! yeah right!

We finished looking around and headed to the dining room. Dinner started with a delicious salad, and the main course (steak, chicken, couscous with dried fruit, and asparagus) was to die for! Mid meal the announcer stated that the silent auction tables were closing in a few minutes – and for everone to make their final bids. I didn’t feel like spending a lot of money and figured that if I won, I won, and if I didnt, oh well! Hunter got up with a friend also sitting at our table to check out if he (his friend) had won one of the 10+ items that he bid on. Of course, I asked him to check out my bids and see if I had been outbid or if I had won anything – he agreed.

Hunter came back about 10 minutes later and sat down. Dessert was being served – YUM! I asked him how it went, and asked about my bids! Hunter looked at me and said it went well–but unfortunately someone outbid you. I was somewhat disappointed, but I was immediately relieved to kepe my $25 bid. Moment later, Hunter looked at me and said “hey babe.. I won something!¬†I got you something!” Suprised, I was like “oh yea? really?!” and reached out my hands to receive whatever it was that he pulled out of his suit pocket. It was a folded yellow piece of paper – a copy of one of the bid sheets. …..Guess what it was?

I unfolded the paper and, i’m sure,¬†my face/thought was like ….whaaaaaaat?

…..and then I realized what he had done! Thats right! Hunter had outbid me (and the person who bid after me), and ended up buying the personal training sessions for me! He got an AWESOME deal – personal training is NOT cheap!! I was thrilled, and super happy that he got this for me — he knew that I wanted it, that¬†I needed it, and it was seriously an awesome gesture! Not to mention he supported a local non-profit¬†(my work!) by¬†purchasing an auction item!¬†WAHOOOOOOOO!!

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is support!

…isn’t he the greatest?!

It’s little stuff like this that lets me know he loves and supports me!

So now, I just need to call the center, schedule my first fitness analysis & training, and get on the right track to getting a SLAMMIN BOD before summer comes!

DOWN I GO — to 149.5!!


So, I woke up this morning, and just like most mornings, I ran upstairs to the scale to weigh myself. I know I shouldn’t do this — its obsessive, and my weight is always going to be changing with water weight, fat loss, new muscle, etc. — BUT I DONT CARE. I do it, and I’m probably not going to quit anytime soon.

Aaaanyways — when I stepped onto the scale this morning..well, youll NEVER guess what it said!!!!! …ok, ok…. GUESS!!!


IT SAID 149.5 pounds!!





(and 1/2)



Ahh!! Seriosly! I almost screaaamed, but (fortunately for my two sleeping roommates) I held it in, and ended up “SCREAMING” it on facebook instead, haha!

This was the first time I had seen any number in the 140s since junior high! AHHH!! I didnt care about the number itself—-but I DID care about how it showed my progress! It showed me that ANYTHING (even the things I didn’t think were possible…like hitting a weight below 150) IS POSSIBLEfrom this point forward, I REALLY REALLY KNOW what I have accomplished, and I REALLY REALLY KNOW what I am capable of —- ANYTHING!!!

PARTAYYYYY TONIGHT!! Can I get a HECK YEAH?!?!?!?!!? =)